I would have to say that last week was one of the worst weeks I have ever had. It all started when I woke up Saturday morning with a hangover, painful but acceptable considering the amount of vodka I drank the night before. But come Sunday it turned out I had been hit with the flu. Again uncomfortable and inconvenient but dose me up with drugs and I can manage. But as the week went by I got sicker and sicker. By Wednesday morning I knew I was on the brink of exhaustion when poor Judd woke me up in the morning for a drink of water and I lost my temper and yelled at him. I immediately phoned Marcus to come home and proceeded to unload all of the emotional stress and frustration I have experienced from these last 3 years since we got married and had our kids. Poor Marcus, he thought I just had a cold he was not at all prepared for what I told him.
I have been putting on this facade over the past few years of being in control. But since we have moved to Thailand and the stresses that come with such a big move have come over me I have started to crumble. Being irritable and cranky with the kids for simple things like pulling their toys out or not eating their dinners. These small things were sending me into small rages that I honestly struggled to control. And by control I mean to breathe deeply, don't let it get to me, count to 10, etc. All that simple shit that mums have to do to stop messy, noisy toddlers from sending them insane. The isolation too has been hard, not having another mum to compare notes with or vent to. The mums I have met at play groups are all (on the outside) happy, in control and seem stress free. They have their nannies and maids and drivers and life here is very simple for them. Our company basically gave us 3 airplane tickets and sent us on our way, everything else we have had to do ourselves. Which adds much more stress to the situation.
I am not saying I regret moving here, but since I was sick last week I have had a serious bout of homesickness. Just for the simple things like going to my own Doctor, or being able to call my mum or mother in law spur of the moment. I get such bad phone reception that it is almost a traumatic event to make a phone call. The delay is very frustrating.
I miss my dogs tremendously. I miss little Lance curling up next to me to keep me warm at night and always giving me plenty of cuddles when I felt sick. I could go on and on but I will end up in tears.
The up side of having a mini breakdown and venting it all out to my husband is that I now feel so much lighter. It is like a heavy bag of sand has been taken off of my shoulders and I can stand up straight again. Of course just talking about it hasn't fixed any of my problems, but it is a good start and I am happier now I don't feel like I have to be super mum in front of Marcus anymore. It is not a proud moment when you admit to the one person you trust and love more than life that you are failing. No one likes to admit they are failing, not at anything be it sport, work, relationships or family.
I have been emailing my very best girlfriend back home about all of my woes and tears and she sends me back such strength through her simple and straight to the point emails. I don't know what I would do without her comfort and honesty and I don't know how she finds the strength to hold me up when she is having her own life dramas as well. It makes me realise how important my friendships are to me and how essential it is for meto maintain them while we are away.
This week, so far, has been better. I am feeling healthier, I am off the energy drinks and caffeine and I am drinking alot more water. The kids aren't getting into as much trouble as before, I seem to be more calm and able to push aside my irritation at the annoying things that they do. I find it funny that for me to gauge a good day lately is whether or not the kids got a smack for being naughty. I used to gauge my days on how busy my shop was, how much money we made and how productive my team was. How life has changed.
But I guess life keeps changing and I need to adjust to those changes and make the best out of each and every day because one day I will wake up and the kids will have grown up and moved out and I will look in the mirror and wonder where all those years went.
Why can't I just be happy to live in the moment and not be dreaming about the future or reminiscing about the past?
No comments:
Post a Comment