Frustration and boredom

3 days of being sick from the flu and I am at a really low point.  The kids are whinging and nagging at me and I don't have the energy anymore to entertain them.  My driver/nanny is more like a driver/laundry lady.  She doesn't do much with the kids. She does however sweep and mop and do all of our washing and ironing, so I am grateful for that.  I think once I have the energy to leave the house I will have to tell her that I need her more involved with the kids.  Once Judd starts school she will have to look after Lillie everyday for a couple of hours. 

Play time on my bed always ends in tears.

I had good intentions that once we moved into the new house I would get the kids outside everyday, play down at the playground and swim, but so far we have barely left the house.  It is either too hot or it is raining or I feel like shit from being sick.  I hate it when my everyday routine starts to feel like a rut.  Everyday is the same, we wake at the same time, I have the same breakfast, the kids do the same thing and get yelled at for doing the same naughty things.  For instance Lillie keeps climbing onto the beds and then falling off and hitting her head.  I tell her everyday "No climbing on the bed" and she ignores me and goes right ahead and does it again.  Then after she hits her head she comes crying to me for cuddles.  It is so monotonous. 
Poor Judd is too scared of me to try to do anything wrong, I am so quick to yell these days, I hear myself doing it and I know I should calm down and try to be more patient but it comes out like an impulse I cant control.  I know alot of it these past few days is because I have been horribly sick, but still its not their fault.  Why do I feel like I have to blame someone for my bad moods.  And why cant I find a way to calm it all down and breathe through it?  I want to look into meditation and Buddhism but I just don't have the time to put into it.  I still have no idea where everything is in this town, and my driver is new to the city too so she doesn't know either.  Good choice there. 
I mean some people might say, "how can you not have the time, you are home all day?" but its not as simple as that.  In between Judd eating and sleeping and Lillie eating and sleeping all at different times there usually only leaves about 2 hours a day where we are all awake and can do something.  During most parts of the day I usually have 1 kid following me around the house like a bad smell.  And here I go again, calling my kids a bad smell, I shouldn't think like this, but I do.  I crave time alone, but when I do get it I have no idea what to do and I feel rushed. 
Yesterday I was so sick with fevers, hot and cold sweats and just plain body pains I was craving for when Marcus would come home and be nice to me or give me a nice massage.  But no, we had a fight about me not wanting to fight about money.  How pathetic.  Then when I do ask him for a massage to ease the pain in my back he is all huffy and shitty about it and made me feel guilty for even asking.  He expects me to get over being sick within a day.  He rings and asks me how I feel, but not out of concern more so because he wants to know what kind of mood me and the kids will be in when he gets home.  If he was sick like me the whole world would have to stop and I would have to wait on him like a nurse. 

When I started looking for a school for Judd I was concerned about how long the days were and how they were for 5 days a week, but now after seeing how bored he is and how he is turning into a TV junkie I think I am looking forward to him going to school.  I wont be sending him for 5 days, I believe that is too much for a 3 year old, but 3 days should be enough to entertain him, meet new friends and stop nagging me to watch movies.  I don't want to totally give him over to what is virtually full time care, I mean I don't work so there is no reason for me to give him to someone else to look after for the entire week.  But some days it is tempting.

Diva Lillie not very happy

Lillie on the other hand is a hand full.  She is becoming very clingy again and throws big tantrums at meal times.  She is a real little diva in the making and in my present emotional condition I don't think I am up to the challenge.  I miss having my friends around me who are all going or have been through these same problems.  Marcus doesn't understand,or doesn't want to.  And its not his fault, you only get to a stage like this after many many months of seclusion and isolation.

I need something, but I just don't know what it is...........