Judd is off to kindergarten

I enrolled Judd into kindergarten today.  I have been putting it off thinking he is too young and not ready for such full on schooling, but after discussing my options with the headmistress we agreed that Judd can only attend 3 days a week instead of 5 and for his first week he will only do half days until he is settled.  So we signed him up, paid the tuition and Judd got his very first school bag with 2 sets of uniforms and a pair of pyjamas.  All of the Thais schools, have strict uniform policies and some have strict curriculum.  But after searching high and low I settled on this new little kinder just 1 km up the road from our house.  It is called Hastin and it only has 2 classes, of 20 kids each.  The younger kindergartner's and the older pre schoolers.  They are so cute as they run around in their little matching uniforms.  We get a pretty good deal for the price too, uniforms, bags and books are all included as well as all snacks and lunch every day, along with swimming lessons every Friday and also health insurance which we can even claim on if he injures himself at home.  How handy.  I think he will have better health insurance than Marcus and myself.  We had a try on session with his uniform when we got home, he looks like a little green and white sailor.  I also went out and bought him new school shoes as they are required to wear white leather runners.  I didn't mind as we realised yesterday that his old runners are now far too small.

So after seeing him all dressed up and looking all grown up I had a mixture of emotions.  Firstly I was so proud to see him in his uniform and his new shoes I had visions of what it will be like to take him to school everyday and kiss him goodbye.  I also felt nostalgic and sad that my little boy is no longer my baby.  Soon he will be making all new friends and as the years go by he will no longer be dependant on his mamma anymore.  I also felt anxious that I will have to leave him there with strange people in this strange country and trust that they will take good care of him. I am excited as well that soon I will be able to have our nanny take care of Lillie for a couple of hours a day while I take some time to do some personal activities or just to take a break.  I feel bad that I am using Judd's school commitments to suit my personal agenda, but don't all mums do that?  They use their time to either take a break or get their careers moving again or to raise the other children in their families. 

All in all I feel like I have taken a very positive step in settling into our new life here and my confidence is starting to return. 

Judd gets a new bike and I realise something

Judd got a new bike. Marcus and I decided that we needed to get Judd off the couch and outside so we went out and bought him a bike.  Even though he has one back home we figure he can get a year or two out of this one and then we can give it away to another family we it is time to go home.  We got a shock when we got him home and he hopped straight on and started riding it around and around in circles.  2 months ago when he tried to ride his other bike he could barely push the peddles around, now he is super confident and riding around like a pro.  Every day this week we have taken the bike out for a ride while I push Lillie in the pram.  It is much easier.  Judd hates to walk anywhere and always wants to be carried or ride in the pram.  At least now we can all walk together without crying and whinging.  Our village is really lovely and quiet to walk the streets at night.  Marcus takes Lillie out every night while she drinks her bed time bottle, he loves the peace.  It feels very safe too as there are about 4 guards on the main corners every night keeping watch.

I looked at Judd riding yesterday and realised how much he has grown up.  He isn't a baby anymore, he isn't even a toddler.  He is a 3 year old boy who can speak full conversations and dress himself, go to the toilet by himself, get himself a drink or food out of the fridge and ride a big boy bike (of course with training wheels).  Also we took his swim vest off him on the weekend and he showed us he can swim with just his floaties and keep his head out of the water with absolute ease.  And next month he will start school 3 days a week (5 days if I want him to) and wear a uniform and learn to speak Thai and all sorts of wonderful things. 

I am realising that those hard years of baby and toddler are moving quickly behind us and pretty soon I will be at that point that my friends talk about where all of a sudden they stop being hard work and become little self sufficient humans.  As much as I complain and whinge about how stressful being a mother can be, I don't think I am ready for that. 

It is also a sign that time is moving on for me too, in 2 months I will turn 30.  Not too sure how well I am going to take it.  I never used to be bothered with birthdays or getting older, but that was because I was always able to say I was still in my twenties and my girlfriends who are all a few years ahead of me would all sigh.  Now I understand that sigh, it is a sigh for a lost youth.  No one really wants to grow up, do they?  Do we really want to admit to having all these huge responsibilities and burdens?  When I was younger all I could dream about was being older and grown up and having all the wonderful things that come with it, but now in hindsight I regret not being more crazy and reckless and carefree. 
But here I go again, looking into the past wishing for different choices or looking into the future with shaded eyes scared of what I might see.  Again I ask, why can't I just live in the moment and be happy about where my life choices have brought me?

Honesty really does help

I would have to say that last week was one of the worst weeks I have ever had.  It all started when I woke up Saturday morning with a hangover, painful but acceptable considering the amount of vodka I drank the night before.  But come Sunday it turned out I had been hit with the flu.  Again uncomfortable and inconvenient but dose me up with drugs and I can manage.  But as the week went by I got sicker and sicker.  By Wednesday morning I knew I was on the brink of exhaustion when poor Judd woke me up in the morning for a drink of water and I lost my temper and yelled at him.  I immediately phoned Marcus to come home and proceeded to unload all of the emotional stress and frustration I have experienced from these last 3 years since we got married and had our kids.  Poor Marcus, he thought I just had a cold he was not at all prepared for what  I told him.
I have been putting on this facade over the past few years of being in control.  But since we have moved to Thailand and the stresses that come with such a big move have come over me I have started to crumble.  Being irritable and cranky with the kids for simple things like pulling their toys out or not eating their dinners.  These small things were sending me into small rages that I honestly struggled to control.  And by control I mean to breathe deeply, don't let it get to me, count to 10, etc.  All that simple shit that mums have to do to stop messy, noisy toddlers from sending them insane.  The isolation too has been hard, not having another mum to compare notes with or vent to.  The mums I have met at play groups are all (on the outside) happy, in control and seem stress free.  They have their nannies and maids and drivers and life here is very simple for them.  Our company basically gave us 3 airplane tickets and sent us on our way, everything else we have had to do ourselves.  Which adds much more stress to the situation. 
I am not saying I regret moving here, but since I was sick last week I have had a serious bout of homesickness.  Just for the simple things like going to my own Doctor, or being able to call my mum or mother in law spur of the moment.  I get such bad phone reception that it is almost a traumatic event to make a phone call.  The delay is very frustrating.
I miss my dogs tremendously.  I miss little Lance curling up next to me to keep me warm at night and always giving me plenty of cuddles when I felt sick.  I could go on and on but I will end up in tears.

The up side of having a mini breakdown and venting it all out to my husband is that I now feel so much lighter.  It is like a heavy bag of sand has been taken off of my shoulders and I can stand up straight again.  Of course just talking about it hasn't fixed any of my problems, but it is a good start and I am happier now I don't feel like I have to be super mum in front of Marcus anymore.  It is not a proud moment when you admit to the one person you trust and love more than life that you are failing.  No one likes to admit they are failing, not at anything be it sport, work, relationships or family.
I have been emailing my very best girlfriend back home about all of my woes and tears and she sends me back such strength through her simple and straight to the point emails.  I don't know what I would do without her comfort and honesty and I don't know how she finds the strength to hold me up when she is having her own life dramas as well.  It makes me realise how important my friendships are to me and how essential it is for meto maintain them while we are away.

This week, so far, has been better.  I am feeling healthier, I am off the energy drinks and caffeine and I am drinking alot more water.  The kids aren't getting into as much trouble as before, I seem to be more calm and able to push aside my irritation at the annoying things that they do.  I find it funny that for me to gauge a good day lately is whether or not the kids got a smack for being naughty.  I used to gauge my days on how busy my shop was, how much money we made and how productive my team was.  How life has changed.
But I guess life keeps changing and I need to adjust to those changes and make the best out of each and every day because one day I will wake up and the kids will have grown up and moved out and I will look in the mirror and wonder where all those years went.

Why can't I just be happy to live in the moment and not be dreaming about the future or reminiscing about the past?

Frustration and boredom

3 days of being sick from the flu and I am at a really low point.  The kids are whinging and nagging at me and I don't have the energy anymore to entertain them.  My driver/nanny is more like a driver/laundry lady.  She doesn't do much with the kids. She does however sweep and mop and do all of our washing and ironing, so I am grateful for that.  I think once I have the energy to leave the house I will have to tell her that I need her more involved with the kids.  Once Judd starts school she will have to look after Lillie everyday for a couple of hours. 

Play time on my bed always ends in tears.

I had good intentions that once we moved into the new house I would get the kids outside everyday, play down at the playground and swim, but so far we have barely left the house.  It is either too hot or it is raining or I feel like shit from being sick.  I hate it when my everyday routine starts to feel like a rut.  Everyday is the same, we wake at the same time, I have the same breakfast, the kids do the same thing and get yelled at for doing the same naughty things.  For instance Lillie keeps climbing onto the beds and then falling off and hitting her head.  I tell her everyday "No climbing on the bed" and she ignores me and goes right ahead and does it again.  Then after she hits her head she comes crying to me for cuddles.  It is so monotonous. 
Poor Judd is too scared of me to try to do anything wrong, I am so quick to yell these days, I hear myself doing it and I know I should calm down and try to be more patient but it comes out like an impulse I cant control.  I know alot of it these past few days is because I have been horribly sick, but still its not their fault.  Why do I feel like I have to blame someone for my bad moods.  And why cant I find a way to calm it all down and breathe through it?  I want to look into meditation and Buddhism but I just don't have the time to put into it.  I still have no idea where everything is in this town, and my driver is new to the city too so she doesn't know either.  Good choice there. 
I mean some people might say, "how can you not have the time, you are home all day?" but its not as simple as that.  In between Judd eating and sleeping and Lillie eating and sleeping all at different times there usually only leaves about 2 hours a day where we are all awake and can do something.  During most parts of the day I usually have 1 kid following me around the house like a bad smell.  And here I go again, calling my kids a bad smell, I shouldn't think like this, but I do.  I crave time alone, but when I do get it I have no idea what to do and I feel rushed. 
Yesterday I was so sick with fevers, hot and cold sweats and just plain body pains I was craving for when Marcus would come home and be nice to me or give me a nice massage.  But no, we had a fight about me not wanting to fight about money.  How pathetic.  Then when I do ask him for a massage to ease the pain in my back he is all huffy and shitty about it and made me feel guilty for even asking.  He expects me to get over being sick within a day.  He rings and asks me how I feel, but not out of concern more so because he wants to know what kind of mood me and the kids will be in when he gets home.  If he was sick like me the whole world would have to stop and I would have to wait on him like a nurse. 

When I started looking for a school for Judd I was concerned about how long the days were and how they were for 5 days a week, but now after seeing how bored he is and how he is turning into a TV junkie I think I am looking forward to him going to school.  I wont be sending him for 5 days, I believe that is too much for a 3 year old, but 3 days should be enough to entertain him, meet new friends and stop nagging me to watch movies.  I don't want to totally give him over to what is virtually full time care, I mean I don't work so there is no reason for me to give him to someone else to look after for the entire week.  But some days it is tempting.

Diva Lillie not very happy

Lillie on the other hand is a hand full.  She is becoming very clingy again and throws big tantrums at meal times.  She is a real little diva in the making and in my present emotional condition I don't think I am up to the challenge.  I miss having my friends around me who are all going or have been through these same problems.  Marcus doesn't understand,or doesn't want to.  And its not his fault, you only get to a stage like this after many many months of seclusion and isolation.

I need something, but I just don't know what it is...........

My first hang over in Thailand

Bob busts out a couple of tunes

I have been struck down not only with the worlds worst hang over but also the flu.  Friday night we went out to the local pub called The Outback for my new friends birthday.  It is a great little pub about 800m up from where we live.  It is owned and run by a couple of Aussies, Bob is one of them.  He reminds me of the blokes my dad used to hang out with back home in Townsville.  All red faced from too much grog and sun and I bet his liver is totally shot but he is great value.  He even pulled out his guitar for a little impromptu sing along, and he is not bad either.  We felt very comfortable and relaxed with our new friends.  They hail from all over the place, NZ, Aust, England, Germany and Brazil just to name a few.  My new friend Karen has also adopted Lillie and Judd as her grandchildren and her daughter who is about 17 is very keen to babysit for us as well and the kids both love her.  It is a real comfort to know there are such nice people nearby. 
I have also been invited to join a netball team, I haven't played in years but I would love to get back into it again.  Since Marcus has joined a Rugby team I may as well have something of my own. 

Judd and his new friend partied all night

We finished up Friday night around midnight, Judd partied on like a real trooper and Lillie crashed out in her pram.  I was well beyond tipsy and the next morning I well and truly paid for my double Vodkas and lemonade.  What was I thinking? 

It has taken some of the anticipation away from this coming Saturday, Grand final Day.  We have a babysitter for the whole day and night and we plan to find a pub with the game on and then hit the town in a big way.  Marcus and I haven't been out by ourselves since we got here and we really need a date night.  I even want to go and check out a GO GO Bar, just to satisfy my curiosity and I am sure Marcus wont object.  I don't want to turn into one of those wives who cannot trust her husband to go out for a beer with the guys while we are living here.  I need to be able to trust that yes maybe they will go to one of those bars, which is a bit hard not to since nearly every bar has bar girls there to attract in the men and then do whatever else the man has money for.  But this is Thailand and I need to be able to believe that Marcus may look but he wont go any further than that.  If I don't have that trust it will make both of our lives here miserable.  Anyway I am sure he knows the consequences if he does slip, no second chances we both agreed on that before we got married and that goes for the both of us.

So Saturday ended up a total waste, I couldn't move for fear of my head exploding and Lillie was tired and still sick from her dose of the flu and some teething thrown in just for fun.  Poor Marcus had to step up and take over and thankfully he did so without me even having to ask him.  I think he could tell from the way I looked that I was in a bad way.  He fed the kids, bought me lunch and basically just let me lie in my misery on the couch.  This morning however I woke with a nasty flu which I believe Lillie has so kindly passed on to me, but thankfully the pharmacists here in Thailand hand out medication without prescriptions so Marcus went up to the local and brought me back a nice big does of Pseudoephrine and paracetamol and some chocolate.  What a champ, it hasn't made me better but at least I can power through the day without collapsing in a sweaty heap. 
Its funny we moved here to get away from the cold weather and the colds and flu that seem to pass around everyone in a constant rotation, and not even 8 weeks into our trip and it has tracked me down.  I think it is a sign that I am not taking good enough care of myself lately.  The dining out every night, drinking much more than we used to and the lack of exercise.  I was hoping to change that this week by hitting the gym and pool once a day while the nanny has the kids, but now I will have to wait until this flu passes before I attempt regaining what little fitness I used to have.  I have to get stuck into it, the really good weather is just around the corner and I want to feel comfortable in bathers when we hit the beaches.

We did go for a little walk around the village last night, it was so peaceful and surprisingly quiet.  There were quite a few couples out having a moonlight walk and a couple of joggers too.  I really feel comfortable and dare I say, happy here in our new house.  I just need a few more little homey touches to brighten up the house and some outdoor furniture like a hammock and we can just relax and enjoy this lovely lifestyle.  We both need to re-wire our brains and start thinking and acting in a much more relaxed and slower manner.  Say good bye to the crazy, always-on-the-go mentality that had us both so tense and frazzled back in Melbourne.

Home

We have moved in. Friday last week I woke up and decided I had had enough of early rising roosters and loud neighbours and packed up as much as I could fit into our little Honda hire car and moved us into our new house at SP5.  Talk about a mood change.  Our first night here was so quiet and calm, I actually didn't sleep very well, but our moods had lightened dramatically.  Having the extra space for the kids, not having to pick up the tiny toys every 5 minutes or having to lug the pram and kids and baby bag down the elevator, then down the stairs, its great.  I feel at home, even Marcus said after our first night that this house already feels like home.  The village is great.  I took the kids to the play ground just one house down from ours and I was amazed that even though we are only 10min from Pattaya, it was so quiet.  No loud music, no loud trucks or bikes.  There were lots of other children riding their bikes around the streets and playing in the park.  We took Judd and Lillie for a swim yesterday, the pool is huge and so relaxing.  There is a lake as well and it is full of fish and there is a man at the club house who sells fish food for 10 baht, that's 28cents!  So now Judd wants to go and feed the fish everyday, he is very happy here I can tell by his behaviour. 
It is a 3 bedroom house, 3 bathroom, big kitchen, not much yard but that's OK since the park and pool is so close, but there is a big double carport with a locked gate so the kids can play out the front and I don't have to stress about them going onto the road.  It is a nice house, the master bedroom is massive, I don't know what to do with all of this space.  There is security guards on the front gates of the village 24 hours and at night there is a security guard who sits 2 houses down and 6 others who patrol as well.  We feel very safe here. 

Our house

On Saturday to top off my weekend Marcus went to Bangkok to pick up our new company car.  He had to catch the bus but unfortunately he didn't catch the one that goes direct, he got the bus that stops every 500meters to pick people up and then detoured through the country side collecting even more people.  The trip should have taken and hour and a half but it took him over 4 hours!  He eventually got home about 10pm with our car.  Its a white Toyota Corolla, but it is optioned with all the extras.  I am not to keen about leather seats in this tropical weather, but its still nice.  Its is a good size too, the traffic here is so crazy that you need a smaller car to zip in and out and dodge the motorbikes and dogs.  It also has that super dark tinting that is illegal in Aust.  I love it, people cant see that I am a farang so they don't stare so much and it keeps the car much cooler.

Sunday night we had our first guest, the New Zealand man we met a C House came down and what was supposed to be a quick visit turned into 7 beers for him, a bottle of wine for me and 6 beers for Marcus.  Normally back in Australia we would never drink on a Sunday, especially that much, but over here it is different, you lose concept of what day of the week it is and even what time.  We will have to be careful or we will end up booze hounds.

Our driver/nanny started yesterday. Her name is Rainy, she is lovely.  She takes Marcus to work every morning then comes back to the house and plays with the kids, cleans a bit and will babysit while I go out for an hour or two then in the afternoon she takes the car to go and pick Marcus up from work and bring him home.  She is only learning English but we manage OK.  The kids love her, especially Lillie. She knows that Rainy will pick her up for cuddles all the time, she has worked her out already.  It is such a relief to know that the kids like her and Marcus and I can start taking some time alone.  And I really hope to be able to work some more exercise into my day because since we left Australia I have been to the gym only once in 8 weeks, and soon all this rain will pass and the real nice weather will arrive and I need to be able to get myself into some bikinis again.

The pool at our village

I am feeling much more settled and positive again, now it is time to really start living here and enjoying all the weird and wonderful things this country has to offer.

Moving house, again.

Well Wednesday we signed the lease to our new house.  Finally, even though it has only been 2 weeks since we found it, it feels like forever.  Too many mornings of roosters waking me at 4.30am and Judd waking at the crack on dawn because the curtains in our bedrooms are light yellow and don't block out any of the light.  The blokes hanging out at the 7-11 listening to very loud music until late at night, with the thump thump thump reverberating through our windows.  I have to sleep with ear plugs in just to get a bit of quiet time to sleep.  Not ideal.  So you would think that we would be super excited on Wednesday after we signed and got the keys, but NO.  We argued, and I can't even remember what it was about.  All I know is I was so angry, not just at him but at the kids, at life in general.  Thankfully he agreed to take the kids down to the pool and gave me a whole 30mins of alone time, how generous.  I spent that time writing a furious email to my girlfriend tyring to get it all off my chest.  That, combined with 2 glasses of wine I did start to feel better, until of course I had to go downstairs and meet them in the restaurant for what I call an express dinner.  Since we can't cook in our apartment we eat in the hotel restaurant, but as anyone with kids knows it sucks taking small children out to dinner.  They refuse to sit still, they never eat properly, they run riot all over the place and I spend the entire time chasing after the baby keeping her out of trouble.  It is stressful and I hate it. 
So once again I had to have a big talk with Marcus and tell him to try and understand that I have no one to talk to during the day, no friends to just call up or go around and visit.  I talk, no actually, I yell at the kids all day then he comes home and doesn't want to talk either. 

I have been told by other expats that the wives are always the ones to suffer culture shock.  We are alone, we have no hobbies, no job and get bored and lonely.  The husbands at least have their work to keep them busy, but the wives only have small children, who of course are suffering culture shock as well.  These kids have no idea why we are so far from our home and families and why there are all these strange people pointing at them and staring and touching them and talking to them in weird noises.  Of course they are going to play up and be naughty.  And even though I am aware of all of this, there is nothing I seem to be able to do to stop it from happening.  I get frustrated easily with the kids, I am tired all the time and have zero patience.  In a way I am behaving very much the same way the kids are.

I went shopping these past 2 days to buy basics for the new house.  Since we moved here with only 3 suitcases and a few boxes of toys and books, we have to start from scratch.  This is a sore spot for Marcus and I.  He doesn't want to spend anymore money, but I am trying to explain to him that we need plates to eat off, knives and forks, glasses and cleaning equipment.  He should be grateful that we are in Thailand and it cost about a third of what it would cost if we were in a western country, but either he doesn't understand or just want to.  I have told him to relax, I am not stupid I wont go crazy and buy too much or top of the range.  For Christ sake I bought melamine plates and bowls instead of porcelain!!!!  A little bit of appreciation would go a long way.  Does he realise how hard it is to go shopping with two small kids who nag and run away and don't listen and just plain give me the shits all day long?  I deserve a bloody medal!

I took the kids to see the house again today, Judd really likes it, there is so much space for them to chase each other around.  There are 3 bathrooms!  Coming from a house with only 1, this is a mansion.  I can shut the gate to the carport and they can play safely outside, there is grass and we are literally 20 steps from the playground and the club house with the huge swimming pool.  Judd asked me today if we could sleep there tonight, how cute. We also have a gardener that comes most days and a maid who will come 3 days a week.  Our driver will start next Monday, and she will drive Marcus to work then come home and we will take Judd to school and then she will watch Lillie for a couple of hours while I have some alone time either at the gym or in the pool.  I hope she works out, we are paying top dollar for her so I hope she is a worker and not a bludger.  It all sounds rather extravagant, but it really is quite affordable.  I guess that's why alot of expats who come on a 12 months contract like us, end up staying for years.
  
Hopefully we can move all of our stuff on Friday and stay the night, but I don't want to rush it, its too hot to rush anywhere in this country. 
I want to decorate with some nice Thai pieces, but I will have to wait until Marcus gets over his paranoia about spending money.  I don't want to buy anything too big as we are only here for 2 years and we don't really want to pack it all and try to freight it all back to Australia.  But if I find some really nice pieces that I think I can use back home I will talk him into letting me buy it.  What do you think my chances will be?

Judd turns 3.

Monday 6th September 2010

I had a very emotional weekend.  Friday night I took the night off and drove into town to go birthday shopping for Judd as he was turning 3 on Saturday.  And since we couldn't have a party for him I thought I would spoil him a little with some cool fun toys.  It must be confusing for him being here so far away from all his friends and family.  I forget this all the time. But then I must not use it as an excuse for his naughty behaviour either.  He is becoming very cheeky and talks back with smart arse comments and the naughty spot is turning into a game for him.  Hopefully school sorts him out a bit. 
Anyway, I wanted to get him a special day and after hours of driving and shopping I headed home all pumped up with excitement and on a shopping high, I arrived home to Marcus who was in a tired and grumpy mood.  My shopping high turned into regret as he poo pooed how much money I spent (a mere $160) and pretended to want to watch a movie that 3 weeks ago he was bagging me for watching and saying how shit it was.  So I knew he was bullshitting me when he said "I am trying to watch the movie, Al".  I am not stupid, I know when someone has the shits.  So that began our cranky and argument filled weekend.  Judd, thankfully didn't pickup on it and he still had a lovely day and really enjoyed the presents I got for him. 
Come Saturday night I was itching to sit down and have it out with Marcus, but I had worked myself up so much during the day, that I felt silence and sleep would better serve us.  I didn't trust myself not to say something I would regret later.  Thankfully this option worked and Sunday we headed to the beach and after a relaxing afternoon of swimming and laying under the beach umbrellas we had a few beers and got to talking.  We both listened and agreed that we needed to make some more compromises when it comes to our relationship.  I need more romance and special one on one treatment and he needs less nagging and arguments and for me to start feeling more confident about myself again.  All I agreed with. I know I have lost part of me over the last few years.  I gained weight with the kids, I stopped having fun, I got cranky and stressed out.  He changed too, its not all just me, but at least we both can see how much we each have changed since those early years when we first started going out and we both want to work on it.

It is always uplifting after a big talk, even after small talks.  To get those little things off your chest and out into the open.  Its the little things I believe that eat you up and turn into huge, insurmountable situations that sometimes cannot be worked out.  I like to get it out, but the problem for me is that I am married to a man who does not like to talk unless the mood strikes him, and that is rarely.  So I feel like I am the physco wife who always wants to "talk it out" and says things like "why don't you listen to me?  And look at me when I am talking to you, not at the television".  But I ask, aren't all marriages like this?

That is one of the main underlying reasons we felt that this trip to Thailand would benefit us.  To break away from the groundhog day that was enveloping our lives, to put some fun and excitement back in and to stop just being a husband and wife and a mum and dad and to find something more, something different that sets us apart from everyone else.  Something that we can build on for our future together.  And I guess since we have arrived here it has been stressful and hard, but I know that once we settle into our new home and Judd starts school and we start to learn more and get around more that we will stop being tourists and become expats and really start living life here.

Dinner, a cat and an Elephant

Yesterday was pretty ordinary, didn't do too much exciting.  However when Marcus came home he had an invitation for us all to join the men he works with for dinner at a local Thai BBQ restaurant.  I wasn't too keen at first but thought we had better get the kids out of the house and into some fresh air.  Glad we did.  It was a buffet style restaurant, but the majority of the food was raw. What you do is gather up all the ingredients you want to eat and take it back to your table where there is a clay pot full of super hot burning coals with a tin tray that sits over the top.  You pour in some water around the base, which after some meat juices and veggies and noodles go in, becomes a soup as well.  Then on the top you get a big piece of animal fat to grease it up and place your selection of meat on to BBQ.  A very clever, and fun way of dining out.  And the best part is it only cost 90baht per person to eat as much as you like, that's about $3.30 Aus. 
It wasn't a very hot or humid night and I felt quite comfortable until the hot coals arrived and boy did I start to sweat.  And on top of that I had to run around after Lillie who runs laps up and down and all over the restaurant.  The Thais love the kids, they just stared at us all night, still makes me feel selfconcious.  Luckily we had Marcus' colleagues to interpret for us and we were able to get a great selection of food to eat.  The down side is that you don't stop eating, it's constant cooking and eating. 
There was a local cat the kept hanging around and Judd and Lillie loved to play with it, it was very friendly.  Then to top off the evening a baby elephant and it's trainer walked right up to our table!  Judd was beside himself, so was I.  I have never been up close to an elephant before, all I wanted to do was to touch it and give it a big cuddle.  He was so cute.  Judd got to feed it and give it a pat and we asked if we could get a photo with him too.  Unfortunately I only had my camera phone on me so think it was too dark for the elephant to stand out.  I hope to upload it to our computer and get a better look at it.  It was such a lovely experience, I really want to take Judd to the Elephant Park now.  There are a couple around here. 
After a few beers and the Thai men were getting stuck into the scotch, I decided to take the kids home so Marcus could have a male bonding and drinking night without us tagging along.  It back fired though as they stayed out far too late.  I fell asleep sometime before midnight but woke with a fright when Marcus' watch alarm went off at 12:00 and I realised he still wasn't home, he didn't have his wallet on him so he had no identification if something bad happened.  I started to stress and feel sick, I quickly called him to check up on where they were and thankfully they were still at the restaurant but they were all quite pissed and one of them had to drive Marcus home, which of course made me stress even more.  The Thais are very relaxed about road safety and they don't care about drink driving or speeding or seat belts.  They are quite stupid in that regard.  Thankfully Marcus wasn't too bad and he drove the others home. 
I was angry with myself because I called him like a jealous, crazy wife and I was scared and lonely thinking about all the terrible things that could happen and I would have no way of knowing where is was or who to call.  I am not comfortable enough in this country to have my husband trekking about on the piss all night, while leaving me at home alone.  Maybe in a few more months, but not right now.  I don't like having all of these negative silly thoughts, but I seem to have no control over them, they pop into my head always at night and always when I am really tired or stressed and it just makes the whole situation worse and they spiral around in my head making me feel anxious and slightly crazy.  I have gotten better at handling them these past few years, it used to get really bad, but I guess being away from family and friends and having such a big life change it has made me more susceptible to them again.
I would like to study a form of yoga or meditation to try and learn some new techniques in managing my mind and body, but I have to take things one step at a time and firstly I need to get my family settled into our new country, get Judd settled into school, then I can start thinking about doing some special activities just for me.