Self Awareness

Day 2 of my consciousness cleanse. The gift of self awareness. My exercise was to take time to look back at my life like I was watching a movie. Its a kind of meditation. Don't laugh.

So I looked back at my life (so far, I am only 29 after all) and felt a few emotions that surprised me. Mostly I felt disappointed at certain choices I had made when I was younger and funny enough they all had to do with men! Why can't we be born with hindsight?

When my first serious boyfriend from high school broke my heart, I went into a yucky spiral. I moved out of home ( for some reason I had to get out of there) at the far too young age of 17, hit the town too early, met the wrong guys, one of whom I became obsessed with ( and believed he felt the same for me) and led me to make the huge decision at 19 to pack my 2 suitcases, buy a bus ticket and move to Melbourne with nothing but a doona and pillow. I realised I thought I was making that choice to build a life and future with my boyfriend. His family was here and he was returning from the Army. I couldn't get here fast enough. Not realising at the time that I was breaking my families heart and leaving a lot of great friends who I would ultimately lose contact with (of course until Facebook was discovered). Upon arriving things went down hill fast, can you believe it? I was overwhelmed and lonely.
It wasn't until I met a lovely girl who took me out dancing and showed me how many gorgeous, great men there were that I opened my eyes to my relationship and saw it for what it really was - puppy love gone way wrong.
I knew I had to get out but having no money, 1 friend, no family and being way too stubborn to admit defeat and move back to Townsville I was stuck. Of course it all came to a head one very early morning after one very late night on the town that I was literally kicked out of our apartment and ended up staying with my 1 friend and her mum.
This friendship was meant to happen I am sure, as it was through this girl that over time I got back on my feet, met my now husband and had my beautiful babies.
This story took place over the course of 10 years and is still being written, but unfortunately that 1 friend I had is no longer in my life and it saddens me greatly, but its her choice and funny enough I do understand.

So back to those emotions, they conflict with each other of course. Pride at how I had the Courage to make the move, Disappointment with how I let certain men dictate my life and how when my relationships failed it seemed like my life was failing as well. I wish I had of been stronger. Pride at how I had the strength to stick it out in a strange, big city with no friends and virtually no money. Disappointed at not following dreams I had in school to travel the world and go to University. It seemed that my fickle relationships overshadowed my inner most dreams and desires to the point that those dreams disappeared.
Sheer happiness on my wedding day and indescribable emotions on the birth of my children (and amazement I survived the pain). And Curiosity as to what the future holds for me? Travel? YES. It is definitely not too late to full fill those dreams.

Does everything happen for a reason? Is it destiny? Or is it fate?