The gift of release?

The Gift of Release??
That is my exercise for today. To take the time to look at what has been stopping me from going after my dreams and desires. The obvious answer to that would be "I got married and had kids and that's my life and job" the response to that is "that's no excuse". That is true, it isn't an excuse but it is a big factor in why my life slowed down to a virtual stop.
I had a big struggle when I stopped work to be a stay at home mum with the fact that I had to rely on my husband for money. We argued constantly. He couldn't understand, he would always say "but babe this is your money too". But its not the same. When you have been as independent as I have for so long and worked so hard in minimum paying jobs its hard to just walk away. It has only been recently that we rearranged our budget that we came to more of an understanding.
Mind you we had some nasty arguments over it, some of the worst we have had.

But its that 'release' of control that I had a real problem with. So instead of controlling the money, i started to control everyone around me, right down to the family dogs. As our first baby was a terrible sleeper my poor hubby couldn't even pee in the toilet in the morning or brush his teeth in the bathroom in case he woke the baby, he had to go outside. Even in the middle of winter.
It wasn't until our second baby that I realised it was so silly to tiptoe around the house, avoiding the creaky floor boards and never flushing the toilet if the baby was down for his nap. Wow just typing this I am shaking my head.
My other controlling habits were (and possibly still are) that hubby or any other family members couldn't look after the kids as good as I could, I didn't even trust hubby to watch out for them if he wanted to take them to the park. I was like a nagging old goat, constantly reminding him to watch out for, my goodness, EVERYTHING! Wrap them in bubble wrap.
I even started to research getting an electric shock collar for my dog to stop him barking. How cruel. Thank heavens I didn't go there.

I realised that at the root of all this controlling lies a fear of something bad happening to my loved ones, especially the kids. I even used to have trouble sleeping as my mind would start imagining terrible things and I would toss and turn in frustration, silently wondering if I was going mad.
I cant even watch those criminal shows as they will usually trigger bad dreams.
Today's exercise is to be the gift of release, but how can I release if I am in fear of it?
My grip on everything is so tight, what happens if I let go?

Life goes on, I cannot control everything. I cannot control the bad drivers, or drunk drivers or the weather. If something bad happens, it happens. I just have to take care of my family in every possible way, as well as take care of myself and live our lives fully and freely and trust in God or whoever he/she is that they are watching out for us.

I need to stop existing and start living.