Farewell to Thailand, Hello to Australia!

So we have been back in Australia for exactly 1 month now and it has and continues to be a real adjustment.  The weeks leading up to our departure of Thailand were busy and confusing.  We had Visa dramas, freighting dramas and real estate dramas plus add to the chaos a 4 week old baby and 2 kids under 5 I am surprised we survived with so few arguments and mental breakdowns.  Thankfully we were blessed with a very easy and content baby in Kai, he is a real pleasure to be around. 

So in a nutshell we packed up our house in Pattaya and the rule was anything that didn't fit into a moving box was to be given away or sold.  We had plans on freighting all our belongings home on a container ship but all the quotes we received from the removalist companies were ridiculously over priced and we worked out that we didn't own enough of value to warrant such an expense so we decided to sacrifice the bigger items and save about $3000 AUD!

So each day for the 3 weeks before we were due to leave I packed as many boxes I could in between breastfeeding, nappy changing, school drop off and pick ups and preparing dinners etc etc etc.  Strangely enough I got it all done with minimal fuss. 

A problem arose when approximately 8 days before we had to leave our immigration lawyers informed us that our visas had expired and we had 7 days to leave Thailand.  Then 3 days later they ring back to tell us that they made a mistake and we didn't have a 7 day grace period and we would be fined for each day we overstayed our visas.  This created a roll on effect with our freighting company because they couldn't ship anything to Australia under our names if we didn't have current visas.  This was a a hiccup we could have done without and I lost a few nights sleep stressing about the delay it would cause at the airport when we attempted to go through Immigration in Bangkok airport.  But I needn't have worried, we allowed for plenty of time to check in and they even have a special office for overstay fines as it is quite a common occurrence in Thailand, phew!  4000 baht later and we paid our fines and were free to leave the country.

Before we left however we had plenty of final good bye beers with our neighbours and last minute play dates for the kids with their friends, my girlfriends took me out on a big girls night out bender and we amazingly stayed out on   the town til 4am!  It was a great send off.

Khun Juk our lovely maid,
she was sad to see us go.

On the day of our departure we had our maid, Khun Juk in to clean as we packed our final bits and pieces into our suitcases and threw away any last minute rubbish, I was nervous about leaving the house and wanted to make sure that it was in a clean and tidy condition when we left so not to give the SP 5 office manager any reasons to kick up a fuss.  Which he shouldn't anyway as we willingly forfeited our 2 months bond as we were leaving with outstanding utility bills and owed a months rent (the bills hadn't arrived in time for me to pay).  We popped over to our neighbours house for one last beer and farewell just before it was time to leave, it all felt very surreal and surprisingly calm, we weren't rushed at all.  We booked a minibus to take us and our 5 suitcases, 4 carry on, 3 car seats, 2 prams and 1 portacot to Bangkok airport and as our flight wasn't until midnight we left nice and early to have plenty of time to plastic wrap the seats and pram, check in, deal with immigration and then eat dinner and change the kids into their pj's before it was time to board. 

at Bangkok airport

I had imagined myself feeling relieved and invigorated when we finally got on the plane to leave Thailand but I found I was feeling sad and a bit flat.  I was very excited and happy to be heading home don't get me wrong, but I was feeling the loss of our dear friends we had grown close to in Pattaya as I knew there was a very good chance we may never see any of these wonderful people again.  They will carry on in Pattaya, some will go onto to other countries to live and work, some will return to their home countries.  I honestly do hope that those friends who return to Melbourne in the future do become part of our lives again and I hope to make a real effort to see them again.

Our flight to Australia was calm and pleasant, the kids mostly slept, baby Kai woke only twice to feed then straight back to sleep, Judd was happy with movies and computer games while Lillie just pottered about doing her own thing.  I was very impressed with the way our kids handled the flight and again we had other passengers commenting on how good they were.  We were met at Melbourne Airport by my mother in law and her partner and one of our good friends who offered to help us cart all of our luggage in his wagon.  The kids were very happy to see their grandma and pa again and were full of stories for them. 

Melbourne Airport with Ninny and Pa

It was freezing cold, drizzling wet but we felt so refreshed to be back on Aussie soil and breathe the fresh clean crisp air again.  I don't think I have complained once since being back about the weather, I am enjoying every bit of being cool, comfortable and back in my comfy jeans and boots.

It was interesting to see how the kids handled the dramatic change in weather.  Judd loved it, he run about in just a T shirt most days, refusing to put on a jacket or jumper.  He has 3 times as much energy now and is eating everything I cook and put on his plate, even vegetables.  He says constantly how happy he is to be home again, I don't think he ever really liked living in Thailand, he is warm blooded and never handled the heat well, much like his mother I think.

Lillie had to be rugged up in several layers and she loved having all new clothes and fancy big jackets and boots.  She is slowly getting more accustomed to the colder weather and I should imagine it would take her some time as she has spent more of her life growing up in Thailand than she has in Australia.  But the change in their behaviours is amazing, they are happier, more energetic and love to run about our little unit and roll about wrestling on the carpet.  It has made such a big move that much easier having them settle so well.  Baby Kai is no problem at all, he has even started sleeping longer at night now.  He eats, sleeps and poops and is a very happy content child.  He has just this past week been smiling everyday and I even got a little laugh out of him too. 

 Marcus seems to have settled OK, he doesn't particularly like winter weather and his work is different and longer hours but I think with time it will be alright.  I feel some guilt when I see him tired and its too dark and cold to go running or cycling because it was mostly for me that we came home, he would have been happy to stay and work and live there longer.  But he says he is happy to be here and I now have to pull myself together to become the wife I used to be and not the miserable anxious person I turned into.

Since being home I have been surprised to find I am still having anxiety attacks in the afternoons, not as severe as they were but small things trigger them and I still worry that I am going to get some bogan neighbours that will annoy me once we have living back in our old house.  It is ridiculous that I fixate on something so stupid as noise from outside, I have this little voice inside my head asking me why can't I just ignore people and their behaviour like everyone else can.  But I must say it is definitely getting better and easier.  I am happy to sit up at night with Marcus and cuddle on the couch and watch TV now, whereas in Pattaya I would run and hide in my bedroom every night willing sleep to come so another day would end.  Now I fall asleep instantly, I wake up better and I have more energy and tolerance with the children.  It has only been a month so far and I am happy with my progress and I hope that in time and a new exercise regime I will be feeling fitter, healthier and happier again.

If I was to look back on our 2 years in Thailand I would have to say it seems like it went by in a blur, thank goodness I thought to document as much as I could in photos and in this blog.  I have many regrets about our stay there but I definitely don't regret our decision to move and to experience a different way of life.  I have learnt alot about myself, some good some bad.  I have broadened my way of thinking, I have learnt to be more patient and I am extremely grateful to have been given the opportunity to live abroad with my family.  Would I do it again? YES.  But maybe not with small children.  Marcus and I have worked well together and I feel that if we can survive the ups and downs of living, working, raising kids and even having a baby in Thailand we can survive almost anything together.  We have come back stronger and more united and on the same page on what we both want from our lives together.  I started this blog and titled it A New Beginning and I believe it was but now I would say that upon our return to Melbourne this new chapter that we have started will be just as exciting and full of adventures and I plan to explore and travel our own country a bit more and learn to appreciate what we have right here on our doorstep.

I thank my loyal readers for following our journey but I now must bid this blog farewell and close the chapter on our Thailand adventure.  I may start to write again soon, but on what topic I am still yet to determine.

Sawatdee Ka
Khun Allison. xx

Kai Esmonde, born Monday 23rd April 2012

As it all turns out I ended up having our little baby boy via cesarean section on Monday 23rd April.  What happened was I spent the whole weekend waiting and having random contractions some strong some weak and then come Monday the day before my scheduled induction all signs of labour had stopped and also most of the babies movement as well.  He was a real mover and shaker in my tummy right up until this point so I knew something felt different when he was so still for most of the day.  I ended up driving myself into town to go see my doctor for a quick check just to make sure.  She popped me on the monitors and once I was lying flat on my back he started to move and kick about again, I felt a bit silly but at least relieved that all was OK, or so I thought.  Before my doctor sent me home she did one more internal examination to check dilation and discovered that the umbilical cord was present as the top of the babies head which meant each time he pushed down into the pelvis his oxygen supply would drop and she went on to explain the bigger concern was that if I was to go home and my waters broke the cord would wash out first resulting in what they call a prolapsed cord which is very life threatening to bubs.  So she refused to send me home and advised that I speak to my husband about having a cesarean section that very night, as even if we went ahead with the induction the next morning if the cord was still present it would result in a immediate emergency cesarean anyway.  So of course we agreed and Marcus had to jump in the car and rush home to get my suitcase and then rush into the hospital, he only just made it with about 20 minutes to spare.  So within 2 hours of my examination I was prepped and wheeled into the surgery room and by 6:30pm little Kai Esmonde was born.  All sounds simple, but I must say the surgery procedure itself was quite traumatic for me, I have never had real serious surgery before, I have never even broken so much as a bone.  Having the spinal tap was scary, the mere thought of someone sticking a needle into my spine scared me but having to sit through it naked in a operating theatre was quite something else and to my surprise it didn't really hurt.  The sensation of losing the feelings in my legs was uncomfortable and scary, especially when I could feel them move and poke me about but couldn't feel any pain and I was petrified that once they cut me I would feel it.

I kept asking them for Marcus to come in, I was starting to panic and eventually he arrived and was able to hold my hand but was instructed not to say anything to me about what was happening.  He didn't really watch the gory stuff anyway only when the baby was pulled out.  I had no idea what was happening beyond the curtain, I didn't even know they had made the incision let alone did I know when the baby was actually born.  It wasn't until Marcus said to have a look did I turn my head and see him on the table being attended to by the nurses and to mine and Marcus' surprise he had dark hair!  We were both expecting another boy looking like Judd, pale red or blonde hair and fair skin but this little guy came out looking more like his sister Lillie.

After they cleaned him up they brought him over for a quick kiss and a photo then off he went to the nursery and Marcus was taken away too so I was left all alone in a sea of Thai nurses yabbering and chattering non stop and I was trying to distract myself from what I was imagining happening beyond the curtain.  After what felt like ages was only about 40 minutes they wheeled me into recovery and put a lovely warm plastic blanket filled with warm air over me and there I laid for an hour wondering where Marcus and the baby was.  I think I dosed for a while then they wheeled me upstairs to the 12th floor to my room, I had to keep asking if anyone knew where my husband was.  It turned out he was just in the nursery watching over the baby and he met me in my room, I had to be very clear with the nursing staff that I wanted my baby upstairs with me and after a short while he was wheeled in as well.  Thankfully Marcus was able to stay as I was still numb from the waist down and couldn't move, only just enough onto my side to be able to try and start breast feeding.  I didn't want having a C section prolonging my milk coming in and I wanted to get him started straight away.  So Marcus stayed the night on a little couch and he got up each time for the baby, changed his nappy and brought him to me to feed then put him back to bed again.  He was so good and so attentive and just as tired and exhausted as I was.
I spent 4 days in hospital and it wasn't until the third day that we finally got the pediatrician to check his bilirubin levels for jaundice as he was turning quite yellow and of course we were right and he was taken down to the nursery to spend 24 hours under UV lights.  Thankfully he responded quite quickly and we were both discharged on Thursday 27th. 

Unfortunately I was unaware of certain side affects of the spinal block and the headaches I was having on and off during my stay in the hospital got worse and worse after I got home and after 2 days of being unable to stand for longer than 5 minutes with being crippled with pain in my head Marcus called the doctor and she confirmed that it sounded like I was experiencing a spinal headache which occurs in very rarely, like 1 in 200, when the needle used to insert the anesthetic is too big and the hole it makes in the spine sheath doesn't close up by itself and begins to leak spinal fluid which causes incredible headaches.  I ended up back in hospital on the Saturday to have a procedure called a Blood patch where they run a line from my hand which pumps blood into another insertion in my back in the same place that the spinal block was placed.  I had to lay in the theatre for 2 hours waiting for the blood to clot the hole and the headaches to go away and the whole time I cried as I was all alone, my baby blues hormones had well and truly kicked in and I kept stressing about whether or not this would work or would I be burdened with headaches for the rest of my life.  I couldn't believe my bad luck, I didn't want a spinal block in the first place but when I was faced with the circumstances of needing a emergency cesarean I basically had no choice.  Poor Marcus had to wait in the waiting room for the entire 3 hours it took for me to have this procedure and he had the baby with him too and my mum was home with Lillie and Judd.  Thank goodness I had their help, I was unable to be much of a mother for the first 2 weeks of Kai's birth, all I could do was lay down in my bedroom and only get up to feed and change the baby.  Eventually by the time my mum was due to return to Australia I was starting to feel normal again, the headaches were going away and my stomach was healing well.  I felt sad that I was unable to take my mum on any sight seeing, she basically spent her whole 2 weeks at home babysitting Judd and Lillie, we only got a small amount of shopping done, at least enough for her to get some souvenirs for friends and family back home.  She said she isn't worried about not doing much but I feel I owe her another holiday somewhere to say thanks and make up for it.
So now Kai is 3 weeks old, growing fast and feeding well.  I cannot believe the time has gone by so quickly already.  We are now just waiting on his Thai birth certificate to be translated and certified then once we have those documents we can then apply for his Australian citizenship and then his Australian passport and then after all that and several trips to Bangkok we will book our flights to return us all to Australia.  I cannot wait to get the kids home, even the cold weather they are having in Melbourne isn't putting me off, I am looking forward to it so much I can barely sit still.  So hopefully 3 more weeks and I can bid Thailand farewell.  It has definitely been an adventure but unfortunately not the one I imagined 2 years ago when we were first asked to move here.  But hey, lessons learned and I have definitely discovered new things about myself good and bad and we have made some great friends. 

Middle of the night and ........

Well it is 12:56 am on Friday 20th April, my official due date.  I have been up for the past 2 hours after experiencing very annoying braxton hicks contractions and terrible reflux for most of the night.  So I figure rather than lying in bed in pain and discomfort I would get up and see if I can use a bit of gravity to keep the acid that is burning my throat out to calm down, I think I have chewed about 8 Gaviscon tablets so far.  I was secretly hoping that the contractions I was having were going to get stronger but alas it is not to be,  just discomfort and frustration.  The mere thought of having my baby on its due date is almost too good to be true, my other 2 pregnancies went so far overdue I thought they were never coming out. 
I had an appointment with my OBGYN on Wednesday and we discussed the possibility of inducing labour if I haven't gone spontaneously by the 24th April.  This I agreed to as I went to 42 with the last 2 and it was very frustrating and very uncomfortable and considering it is just getting hotter and more humid here in Thailand I am definitely finished with being pregnant.  But in saying all that I would much prefer to go into labour myself before that date to avoid the pain of induction, it is so hard and painful with no real lead up into it that it scares me.  I was lucky with Lillie that she was more than ready to come out and once the Pitocin was starting to run she came out within 3 hours, I doubt I would be that lucky again.  I have other concerns about having a normal vaginal delivery as well, the hospital here in Pattaya are very conservative and almost "old school" about their views on delivery, basically lay on your back with a monitor and wait it out in pain and for me that is worst case scenario as laying prone on my back in the most painful position I can lay in now, let alone when I am in full blown labour.  There are no baths for water treatment and pain relief, there are no fit balls or birthing stools or bean bags to try out different positions, the labour room has a bed, a couch and a TV and that's it and it is really small too.  I hoped to labour at home for some time before going into hospital but my doctor would prefer to have me admitted as soon as possible and monitored due to the fact that the babies cord is around his neck and they need to monitor his heart beat.  But in the next sentence she reassures me that a big percentage of births have the cord present around the neck and the mother can still birth normal and naturally without a problem.  So which is it?  Do I stress about him losing oxygen with each contraction or do I trust my body it knowing how to labour and let most of the work happen naturally at home?  I think the second choice fits better with me, I know I will be uncomfortable and pissed off if I admit to hospital too early and I would feel much better being around my own house, with my own bathtub and bed to use until the time comes that we decide to pop in the car and head in to see the hospital.

At least I made it past the dreaded date of the 19th April which is the official Pattaya Songkran festival.  My doctor advised me that the main roads accessing the hospital are virtually impassable on this date as they are full of revelers cruising the streets in their trucks throwing water, dancing and partying the whole day and night away.  As my mum arrived in Thailand late last night I thought we would take a early trip into town to get some groceries and have lunch and even as early as 10:30am the streets were full and people were well into the festival frenzy.  It looked like alot of fun and I was jealous that I was 40 weeks pregnant and couldn't join in.  Especially on a super hot day like it was sitting in the back of a ute being drenched in water looked like a great idea.  We had thought maybe of borrowing a ute and driving in with me as designated driver but when it came down to it, I didn't want to palm the kids onto my mum on her first night in Thailand and I didn't want to be the sober boring sister up front driving while everyone else was in the back throwing water and drinking and having all the fun, I selfishly said no and we stayed home probably much to the disappointment of Marcus and our friends but I am 9 months pregnant I am allowed to be a bit selfish and grumpy, but I think my grace period for being a hormonal bitch is just about over, it would be nice to return to the normal thinking and feeling world of humanity.

So now it is 1:30am and I haven't had a contraction for over 30 minutes now I am going to try and get back to bed and pray that come morning I either get some sleep or start real labour.

Waiting Waiting Waiting

This waiting game is driving me crazy.  I am getting heavier and heavier in my tummy as the baby moves lower and lower, I swear I am peeing in 10 minute intervals now and to top it off it is mid April and that means high summer here in Thailand, it is so hot and I can only manage to go from air conditioned house to air conditioned car to air conditioned shops and the walk in between gets me dripping in sweat straight away.  I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to have a ultrasound and monitoring etc and for us to discuss our birthing options.  I am a bit nervous about what will happen but excited too knowing that we will be meeting our little guy soon. 
The kids are off on school holidays now for 6 weeks and we are almost at the end of week 1 and I have successfully kept them occupied so far.  A few trips into town for a play group at Wiggle Town, a couple of craft activities and so far we have all survived.  They are so used to being entertained all day at school that they rarely sit still and are constantly asking me what is the next activity.  Any other time this would be fine but being 9 months pregnant and swollen and having a sore back makes even the simplest activity strenuous.  But I can't complain, they are good kids, rarely fighting and happy to play with each other more and more.  I enjoy sitting watching them interact with each other now, they still have their quarrels but more and more they are making up games together and playing and sharing toys together.  Lillie is old enough now to understand Judd when he explains something to her but it is just whether or not she in inclined to listen.
Marcus and I are also house hunting, of course leaving everything to the last minute.  We first thought we would just rent temporarily until we got settled back into Aussie life but we have come across a house for sale in our old neighbourhood that seems to be a good bargain and suits our needs perfectly.  Unfortunately because I cannot travel we have to ask my mother and father in law to do all the inspections and ask the hard questions of the realtor and to try and give us the best description of what the house looks like.  Buying a house unseen is a gamble but I trust in my mother in laws taste, she knows how picky I am about neighbourhoods etc so she will be honest with us. 
It is a old and dated house but I think with our own personal touches and maybe a pool in the backyard it could work.  It isn't in the suburbs that I wanted but realistically we cannot move that far out of town and expect Marcus to travel so long to and from work so a compromise had to be met.
Now the other problem to acquiring a home loan, a task that isn't as easy as it sounds due to the fact that we aren't Australian residents at the moment. 

So it's all systems go now which is great because it gives me something to think about other than how much I hate Thailand and want to go home.  And I am sure my friends would like to hear me talk about something else as well.  I was told the other week that a friend of mine here in Pattaya read my blog and thought it was the most depressing thing she had read!  I was gutted.  I know my posts haven't been all sunshine and happiness lately but to call it depressing to read was a real wake up for me.  That even though I think I am trying to sound positive and optimistic I am really coming across in a completely different way and makes try to change the path my thoughts take me.  Sometimes I feel depression creeping up on me and it scares me.  I put on some music, or some head phones and try to distract myself from whatever it is at the time that has me thinking negatively, but it can be hard some days.  My homesickness is really wearing me down and I am literally counting each hour, each day until we are on the plane home.  I am hoping that after the baby arrives I will be so busy and occupied that I wont have much time to think all those negative thoughts and just focus on my little baby boy and my two adorable loving children.  Some nights when I am feeling particularly sad I go and lie down with Judd and Lillie in their room to sleep, it brings me comfort to be with them and to see their happy little faces sleeping without any of my petty worries bothering them.  I have to remind myself often of how lucky I really am to have such a lovely and healthy family and to have choices and freedom in my life.

Counting the days

3 weeks to go!  I am so full of nervous energy I can not sit still for very long which is becoming a problem as this is the time that I should be resting and reserving as much energy as possible.  I feel I have been starting to get on top of my anxiety lately, the noise and music is still annoying but I don't seem to be reacting as strongly to it as before.  Maybe it's due to my baby being so much closer to arriving.  Or maybe it's because I was able to talk about it and get it all out in the open to my friends and my husband. 
I am having a ultrasound in 2 weeks at my 39th week to check the baby, the amniotic fluid, the placenta and the cord that they said last time was around his neck.  My doctor isn't being very encouraging on what form of birth I should have, 2 weeks ago she said a natural labour should be ok even though the cord is around his neck just as long as we keep and eye on his heart rate and any signs of distress but then last weeks appointment I asked her the risks of having a natural labour with a low lying placenta like mine and she went on to explain about the risks of post partum bleeding from the placenta and how it can also put the baby in a difficult position when it is time for the birth.  So she believes a Cesarean operation would be the safest option for me.  However we both agreed to wait until the final scan to make our decision.  There is a chance that the bigger my uterus gets the placenta can move higher and not be such a risk.
So we will just wait and see. 

This weekend is Easter and I have been finding it very difficult to find Easter Eggs or bunnies for the kids for Easter Sunday.  I want to make it as special as it was last year when we were in Melbourne on holiday.  We woke them up and they got to run around the garden looking for eggs and special presents from the Easter Bunny.  Then the following weekend begins the Thai Songkran New Year festival, last year we weren't in the country for it so this will be our first Songkran festival and I just hope and pray that I don't go into labour during this time as the traffic is said to be horrendous and almost impossible to pass across the Sukumvit highway to get to the hospital.  But knowing my past history of going well over my due date the chances of me going early are pretty slim.
Then if all goes to schedule the following week we will be having a bouncing baby boy.  So all in all I should have enough on my calendar to keep me busy and distracted.

The urge to just run away

I have had a tough couple of weeks of late.  It all goes back to my constant annoyance at the loud, mind numbing music that comes from the neighbouring stores across from our village.  One long boring hot day last week it all came to a head when after 4 hours of listening to the same beat I was at my wits end.  All I wanted to was have a nice relaxing day after a busy and hot weekend and nothing I could do could distract me from the ever persistent beat.  By the time Marcus returned home I was in tears and he being a typical male couldn't understand why I was so worked up about something that even he could barely hear.  But after I calmed down enough to speak I had to explain that after nearly 2 years of being alone nearly everyday (having my children with me doesn't count, when I say alone I mean without other adult interaction).  Being alone everyday I have become to fixate on all the small things that bother me about living in a Asian country so far from home and family.  Every time I heard the music start I would begin having what I now know to be anxiety attacks, I thought it was just me being pissed off but once I sat and talked about it with a few friends and especially a good old friend back in Melbourne I came to realise I was indeed having anxiety attacks, my heart rate would go up, I would get hot and sweaty and start to pace and could never sit still, always trying to find somewhere quiet away from the noise.  She also explained to me what she learned about "thought stacking" where once I had one negative thought others would pile on top and before I knew it I was feeling low and depressed again. 
I even came extremely close to packing myself and the 2 kids up and boarding a plane back to Australia, I had this uncontrollable urge to flee, to escape but the only things that stopped me was my husband and the fact that I couldn't just take his children away from him leaving him here all alone, especially with our third baby due in only 7 weeks and of course our dog, I cannot leave without either arranging for her to leave too or finding her a new family.  The pressure of these responsibilities plus others like money, where would we live?, a car and giving birth alone and caring for 3 kids for 4 months until my husband could join us overwhelmed me and again the thought stacking and anxiety would take over. 
One thing that has helped me force my way out of the hole I was in and begin to work on this problem was something Marcus said to me the very next morning after my breakdown....he said "you can't leave, then I will go crazy without you".  It touched me in a way that I never realised.  He needs us just as much as we need him and I knew from that moment that I had to work hard and get through these next 4 months until we are all on that plane together biding farewell to Pattaya and heading home to reality.
I haven't even been able to focus on our baby that is due so very soon, the only thing I can think about is our departure date and going home, the fact that in 7 weeks I will be giving birth is minor in my outlook of our immediate future and it saddens me.  If we were stable and living back home I would be painting a nursery, setting up toys and baby furniture and filling drawers with dozens of cute little baby clothes.  I feel like I am missing out on a essential part of being pregnant but in reality I cannot go out and buy furniture or too many toys or clothes as we will packing everything up and leaving with 8 weeks of the little guy being born so it is not practical to go to any great lengths.  But how I wish I could and I guess in the long term I can set up a nice new nursery for him as soon as we get home to Melbourne and settle into a new house.

I have had other feelings too about our leaving, like all the places and sites we haven't seen of Thailand, I wish we had of been able to travel up north to see more of the country and not so much of the big cities.  For me there is no attraction to the cities in Thailand, they are all the same, over crowded, smelly and hot.  Not the beautiful pictures you see in tourist magazines or on travel shows of green rolling hills and rice paddies or beautiful aqua blue oceans with white sandy beaches.  These places only exist far away from the big cities and even farther away from the coast on little islands.  Even Phuket that all our friends rave about is just a smaller sized Pattaya, the beaches are still dirty and the streets smelly.  So maybe in many many years Marcus and I will come back to Thailand to holiday and truly do the "tourist" thing and visit all those tiny off the beaten track places and maybe I will see Thailand the way so many other people have, as green, lush, beautiful and peaceful, maybe. 

I wonder what my thoughts will be when we are finally walking through Melbourne airport and back on Aussie soil?  Will I be nostalgic about our time spent here or will I be grateful it's over and we are home?  Other expats tell me to stop whinging and enjoy whats left of our time here and don't get me wrong I plan to try, as best I can with a new born and 2 small kids.  They say we will wish we had of stayed once we are back in Australia where everything costs more and people are rude etc etc.  But at the moment I don't believe a word, yes I hope to look back and remember all the fun trips, the crazy sites and experiences we have had and most of all I know we will miss all the dear friends we have made here but for me there is only so long a person can stay out of touch with "our world"  Thailand is not my world, I have no connection here, no roots.  I am grateful for the opportunity we received but I am not a long term expatriate.  Some people I have met love it, love the life, the money, the weather, the people and everything about it and I am happy for them but at the end of the day we are all different and I know who I am and what I want from my life and it involves being home with my family and dearly missed friends in a country that I am so very very proud to call my home.

Sweating the small stuff

We had a great weekend, Saturday.  Spent a nice day with the kids then arranged for the maid to babysit while we took some much needed mummy and daddy time to go out for dinner and a spot of shopping.  We went to a Mexican restaurant in town and did a bit of people watching then off to a new night market down the street to see if we could pick up some bargains but unfortunately it was just the same old overpriced copies for sale repeated in each isle.  Afterwards we topped of the evening each getting a lovely foot massage.  We were supposed to go to a friends going away party afterwards but my energy levels in the evening are pretty much sapped by 10pm, so we headed home.
Sunday we packed up the kids and some food and headed up to Bangkok for the Bangkok Tens Rugby Tournament that Marcus' rugby team was signed up for.  We of course missed our turn off and got lost but made it just in time for the start of the first game.  There was another family there with a boy and girl the same ages as Lillie and Judd so they all played all afternoon, non stop.  Thankfully it wasn't too hot and occasionally a cool breeze would blow through to cool us off.  We had a great day and on the drive home I started to talk about some of the thoughts that I have been having lately, especially after great weekends like this one, that maybe we made our decision to leave Thailand too soon.  I have been thinking that maybe we should have thought about it longer and assessed the situation more.  But these thoughts only occur after a weekend of family fun and activities, during the week when I am mostly alone with nothing to do I fixate on all the frustrating and negative aspects of living overseas and work myself up into such a state that come Friday I am emotionally exhausted. 
Take last night for instance, here we are coming off such a good weekend, and we talked about the options we have for possibly staying then BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM comes the extremely loud music from across the street and by the time I get the kids into bed and off to sleep and am looking forward to some nice quiet time on the couch with my husband the music gets louder and louder that I eventually take the dog for a walk to try and see just exactly where it is all coming from.  It turns out one of the little shops across from our village had 4 Thai men sitting out the front drinking beer or scotch with 4 BIG speakers, you know the ones the local DJ's use when playing at parties, these speakers were set up with little flashing party lights all over them and pointed out towards the street rather than turned in towards their shop and to where they were sitting like they thought the rest of the world wanted to join their party.  Blaring out was this terrible Thai music with such a loud Bass that it reverberated through your body.   All that just for 4 men having a beer. 
I was secretly hoping it was a neighbour in the village so I could maybe ask politely if they could turn it down, but unfortunately it wasn't.  I walked back home and tried to push the noise out of my mind, I tried ear plugs as I went to bed but it was so loud that they didn't even work, I tried some simple meditation to try and trick my brain into ignoring it and in the end I put my Ipod on with an audio book to give me something to focus on as I tried to sleep.  Thankfully someone must have told them to shut it all up as by the time Marcus came to bed it had been turned off but unfortunately the damage was done and my nights sleep was fitful and painful as my belly has become increasingly uncomfortable and the pains in my back and hips become unbearable.
So by the time we got up this morning my mind was 100% decided that we are leaving Thailand and it wouldn't bother me if we never came back, not even for a holiday.  As I have said before, there is a huge difference between being a tourist in a foreign country and being a resident.
I made myself feel better today though by setting up some baby equipment I bought second hand off a neighbour, a cute little baby rocker, a musical mobile and a great electric breast pump as I plan to breast feed as long as I can and not give up as easily as I did with the other 2.  I also was given a lovely baby swing by another friend who is leaving Thailand and so now I am pretty much set.  I am sure I am forgetting something necessary and important but I don't want to go overboard on buying things as we will only have the baby in Thailand for 3 months then we will be home in Melbourne where we will have access to all of my baby stuff in storage. Only 10 more weeks to go before our little boy arrives and now it is getting so much closer I am really starting to get excited and so is Marcus.  And I might add the baby will give me something to focus on instead of all the crappy things that happen (or don't happen) in my not so eventful days.
 

A brand new day

Yesterday was a very negative and boring day.  It started out as normal with getting the kids fed, dressed and off to school.  A busy but productive hour and a half.  I then popped into town for a quick grocery shop, paid some bills and was home by 10:00am.  It was all down hill from there.  I realised once I got home that I had nothing to do, no cleaning as the maid had been the day before, no washing or ironing.  The kids toys were tidied and put away.  I had no emails to read or respond to and Facebook was giving me nothing interesting to read either.  I ended up doing what I usually do on these days which are all too frequent and put on a DVD and hit the couch for about 4 hours!  Come on, 4 hours!  By the time the kids came home from school I was so brain dead and lethargic I didn't even have the energy to get active with them and it was even worse by the time Marcus got home and he caught the brunt of it.  Thankfully dinner got served without too much screaming and I realised that there was a game of netball on that night that some friends of mine had put together so I made the effort to get dressed and hitch a ride with a friend to go and watch and it was exactly what I needed.  To get out of the house, to talk to some people (other than my kids) and I even umpired a quarter to help out.  A few beers (the girls had not pregnant me) on the road afterwards at a tiny bar not far from our village and I came home feeling much more positive and in a much happier mood.  Thankfully Marcus was still awake and was willing to listen to me talk it all out.
I can't imagine what it must be like for some women I hear about who are new to expat life who have gone almost a whole year without meeting any friends or socialising with anyone, I go crazy after just a few days of being housebound.  It isn't good for a person to be so secluded, we need and crave interaction with other adults and benefit greatly from it and our families benefit from it too.  It has made me start to think that I will need to update my qualifications and learn some new skills so that when this new baby is old enough I can start thinking about working again, nothing full time as I want to be able to take and pick them up from school but something that gets my brain working again and gives me something else to think about instead of obsessing over such trivial matters, which I have been doing alot of lately.
So this morning I woke up feeling much more chipper and ready to get out and begin the day.  After dropping the kids off at school I headed into town to meet some friends for breakfast and coffees and as luck would have it I even got to do some shopping at the new Gap store and much to my delight found some T-shits that were made of light cool cotton and were a big enough size to cover my ever expanding belly.  So of course I bought 5.  I have learnt form living here in Pattaya that if you see something you like or fits well GRAB IT or else it wont be there next time.
As I headed home I impulsively dropped into our local massage parlour and got a lovely hour long foot massage.  I must say it was one of the best ones I have had so far, I even felt obliged to tip her more than normal.  Then once at home since it is such a hot and sweaty day and my legs were still all oily from the massage I popped into my pool for a quick dip to cool off. 
So today is turning out to be a much better day than yesterday and I think the trick is to constantly remind myself of all the perks that living in Thailand has and to take advantage of them while we are still here, because once we are back home on Aussie soil the weekly massages and nights out will come to a immediate halt. I wonder if I will be able to find a nice cheap Thai massage parlour in Melbourne and sneak a few foot massages in here and there?

We are outa here!

Living in Thailand for our family looks to be coming to an end.  Marcus has accepted a new job with his company back in Melbourne for which I am very grateful.  2 years is long enough to live away from home.  It is hard to explain to people who aren't expatriates how difficult it can be.  Alot of people must think "what a whinger, living in Thailand and complaining about it" but imagine being away from all you know and love and being in a country not as a tourist but as a resident.  Not speaking the language isn't as much of a drama unless I need to deal with someone who doesn't speak English very well and to be honest it is only occasionally as I tend to avoid situations that would require me to interact with locals and it's shame because it has stopped me from really experiencing the "real" Thailand.  I and many of the other wives I have met all admit to living in a bubble, a little world in which we wake up, kids to school, go to the gym, go shopping then back home to hours of idleness until its time to pick the kids up again.  This probably doesn't sound much different to some stay at home mums lives back in Australia but most mums back in Australia don't have full time maids that wash, clean and even nanny for them which gives wives over here so much more extra time in their days and absolutely nothing to do with it.  A few ladies I know only have a maid once or twice a week in order to give them something to do around the house, I know I have my maid 2 days a week but still for such a small house it doesn't leave much for me to do anyway.
 
Initially I had ideas to go and volunteer with charities and study the new language and take up  hobbies such as yoga, music and meditation.  None of this I have done, the charity part I tried but couldn't find the strength to be around the orphans and abandoned babies, I can barely cope with looking at the stray dogs in the street.  A few ladies I know volunteer their time and they also admit it is extremely hard, they want to take all the little kids begging for cuddles home to love and care for but it just cannot happen.  A woman I met the other night told a story of how she was in the children's home to volunteer some of her time to help and a young Thai woman came in with a 1 week old baby girl to give up, just hand her over and walk away.  Apparently there are several types of children's homes here in Thailand, there is the home where a woman can give up her baby for the first 5 years of its life and then return to take it back (if they so choose to), then there is the type where a mother can give up her baby but still have control in what type of family the baby can be adopted out to, she gets final say and sign off on the adoption and finally there is the type where a mother can walk in and completely give up all parental rights and walk away.  The home where my friend helps out in has 3 Thai ladies looking after 25, that's right, 25 children ranging from new borns to 6 years old and older.  New born babies have a nappy folded on their chest and a bottle of formula propped up in their mouths as they lay in their cots in a row.  The staff admit to not cuddling the babies or children as it makes the children want it more and more and they simply cannot cuddle and work with that many children at once so they avoid most physical contact.  They rely on volunteers to come and cuddle and play to interact with the kids.  Imagine being a child and growing up without a mothers love and affection, I just cannot bear the thought.

I am not sure where our friends back in Australia think we live, maybe a normal suburb like they do back at home but its not the case.  Yes we live in a "village" walls and security but to the left and the right are various types of dwellings, rows of shops where the owners live and sleep on mattresses in the back, a few houses but mostly there are what we call "shack people"  where they have pushed up a few corrugated iron sheets as walls and a roof and live within and pray it doesn't blow away or wash away in the next down pour.  There can be super rich looking houses and villages randomly scattered around Pattaya but right next door is still the little shack with 3 generations of Thai family living inside. 
So my point is the reminder of poverty is always there, just driving into town is a constant reminder that this is a third world country, admittedly its not Cambodia or Burma but it is still third world and there are still families living in the rubbish dumps collecting recycling to cash in.  Even my maid who works 5 days a week cleaning different houses collects our recycling to cash in for extra money.  I saw her rummaging through our rubbish bags on her first day so now I keep a special box out the back to collect it all through the week.  There is a guilty feeling that lingers with me and may stay with me, that we can be so fortunate and they aren't, it is a difficult thing to deal with.

Some people think of Thailand and think "paradise", I am not sure yet what I am going to think.  When I look back on our time here in Thailand, there have been great experiences and some eye opening experiences.
I know that when I think about going home to Melbourne I get excited and happy and a sense of relief washes over me and I just cannot wait to get on that plane. 
I have told the children that we are going home soon and even when we announced that we had to give away our little dog Sticker II Judd and Lillie both understood and didn't fight against it.  I am sad she had to go but since our friend in America is no longer there we had no other option than to re home her.  The price to send her to Australia was astronomical and also the time she would have had to spend in a cage was unfair.  She is now with a lovely Korean family who plan to keep her and even take her back to Korea with them and possibly onto Australia if they get working visas.  Korea is a approved country so the time she spends there will dramatically reduce her kennel time from 7 months to 1 month quarantine.  Marcus works with the Korean father who took her and he gives him daily updates on how she has settled and they are all very happy with her as their new pet.  I miss her company dearly but I know deep down it is for best.

So now our challenge is to see all the places in Thailand that were on our visit list, have a baby, buy a new house in Melbourne, pack up this house (actually pay the removalists to pack up this house) and get organised to get us on home soil by August.  Plenty to do and lots of emotions to deal with as well.  It is going to be a busy 2012.

Christmas 2011 and New Year 2012!

 We had a busy Christmas and New Year, as did most people I imagine.  This year we had a quiet Christmas Eve drink at a friends house, she had lovingly organised a group of women to gather gifts for an orphanage near to her home and a few of the ladies and their children visited on Christmas Eve to sing carols and hand out presents to the children.  One of the husbands even dressed in a Santa suit for the afternoon which I thought was a lovely touch.  We didn't attend the gift giving party but we did pop over to the hostesses house later on for a mulled wine and some play time for the kids to wear them out so they would sleep while Santa visited in the night. Christmas day had us all awake by 6am and surprisingly Judd and Lillie held their excitement in check until after mummy and daddy woke up and we all had breakfast.  It was a nice Christmas morning spent opening and playing with all the new toys Santa had left then after lunch and a quick nap we headed to a friends house for a traditional Christmas early dinner.  All the children played all afternoon and well into the night, the mummies and daddies ate their fill and drank plenty of good wine and beer before heading home well after 10pm that night.  It was a different way to spend Christmas Day for us, usually it is spent quietly with a few family members and a couple of kids but this year to have so many children for Judd and Lillie to play with and go crazy with was a nice change and has made us think that maybe next year our family Christmas Day may need to include alot more kids and kid games and activities.  One of the highlights of the evening was when our host on the spur of the moment dressed up as Santa and ran outside the window where the kids where watching a movie and scared the wits out of them all.  They all went nuts screaming "Santa!  Santa!" and went running all over the house and yard trying to track him down.  Luckily he is a fast runner as he scooted away to hide then pop back out again to keep them searching and squealing.  It was even a good laugh for us adults.  

Boxing Day was meant to be spent at a Softball Game up at Horseshoe Point but we were so tired and worn out from the previous day we didn't even make it out the door.  Since Christmas isn't widely celebrated in Thailand it isn't a public holiday neither of course is Boxing Day so we were just lucky enough that it all fell on a weekend and Marcus was able to spend it with us. 
New Years here is different, the Thais do celebrate in the new year with alot of partying and public holidays.  Neighbours of ours who have twin 2 year old girls invited us to join them on a road trip to a town north of Bangkok called Ayutthaya for 3 days.  It is a lovely old city that many many centuries ago used to be Thailand's capital city. 

It is full of old ruined temples or Wats as they are called here and many relics.  It is a peaceful place, busy as it most cities of Thailand but without the hustle and bustle of the nightclubs and tourist bars with bar girls hanging outside.  Marcus mentioned to me that he hadn't seen a single Go Go Bar during our stay and I had to point out to him that aside from Pattaya, Bangkok and a couple of other high tourist attractions the majority of Thailand isn't built on the sex industry and is quite conservative. 

We stayed in a lovely little hotel on the banks of the Pa Sak River called the Krungsi River Hotel.  During the day we visited many of the ruins, soaking in the history and the sheer mammoth size of the towers at the Pagodas Ruins and many of the other temples. 

The kids didn't see the excitement, Judd mentioned to me several times "mummy why are we visiting this place again?" when it was a completely different site each time.  But they did enjoy the wide open spaces, the fields of grass which they could run freely without us worrying about motorbikes, cars or strangers. 



Laying down Buddha

 On our final day we saw 2 of the most frequented tourist attractions in Ayutthaya, the big gold Buddha at the Wat Pha Nan Cheng Temple which was really very impressive and quite mesmerizing in its size and beauty and a huge Wat called the Siamese Kingdom that also houses the famous laying down Buddha.  The day we chose to visit happened to be New Years Eve which is also a very auspicious day for Thai Buddhists, many many locals mixed in amongst some tourists were cramming these Wats offering their prayers for the old and new year.  I was quite overwhelmed.  The age and size of these monuments were amazing.  It was a nice change to see some Thai history and to get out of Pattaya for a while. 



The big Gold Buddha, very impressive.





Buddha in the tree



By the time we finished out sightseeing, crammed the kids back into the car and arrived home we were so exhausted that we didn't even see in the new year at midnight, we were both asleep by 10.30 that night.  But I wasn't disappointed, we had a great little family break away and to me we had already had a special NYE experience and I was content.

We have an exciting 2012 coming up and I am looking forward to what little adventures lay ahead.


Our family at the end of 2012