Things are just so upside down for me lately. One minute I am up and fully loaded with energy and the next I am so very low. I have been having alot of trouble controlling my daughter Lillie lately. She is testing her boundaries and having some whopper tantrums for the silliest of reasons. I have a short temper and anyone who knows me knows that is true. I try hard to keep my patience but lately it seems like I have no patience what so ever and my strings are pulled so tight they are about to snap. I tried to explain my feelings to my husband the other night but I find it so hard admitting to feeling like a failure as a parent to him. To me its like this, he has a job, he has a boss and he has expectations that must be exceeded in order to succeed in that job. The same goes for me. Being a mum is my job, I quit working, I chose to leave my career and stay home to raise my family so I have multiple layers of expectations that must be met if not exceeded. I have to conform to society - regardless of where we live - My husband has certain expectations of me, my family, his family, friends, teachers, doctors and even strangers on the street will judge me and label me as a good or bad mum. We all do it, we all see the poor mum with the out of control toddler in the shopping aisle and we say to ourselves "Oh my, why doesn't she just stay at home if her child is so badly behaved" or "maybe if she paid her child the attention she deserves she wouldn't be having this tantrum right now" etc etc. Everyone has their own silent opinions. But the biggest expectations I have laid down myself. I want to be the good, patient mother who guides her children through their magnificent childhoods with calm and grace and did I mention patience? I want to savour these young years before we all grow old and forget, I want to enjoy being able to have a husband who can provide for us and allow me not to work so I can stay home with our 2 children that we both so desperately wanted.
But here is the problem, I cannot handle a screaming, tantrum throwing toddler. There I said it, it is out there for the world to know. I don't have the patience. Every night before bed I say to myself that tomorrow will be a new day and I will not yell, I will not fight and I will not lose my temper. The next morning I wake and within about 45 minutes the crying and scratching and fighting over toys starts and I am reduced to yelling and demanding timeouts in order to get us organised enough to be able to get out the door and off to school on time. We only live about 1.5kms away from Judd's school and yet we are constantly 20mins late because they refuse to get dressed when asked, refuse to brush teeth and most of all they refuse to stop fighting with each other over their silly toys. I admitted all of this and more to my husband last night and unfortunately got little in return in the form of comfort or encouragement other than "well just stop yelling" how helpful, shit if I had of known it was that easy I guess I would l have stopped years ago. “Thanks for the valuable advice!” I yell back in frustration. However this morning I did my usual wake up and promise not to yell or lose my temper and for some reason today it worked. I don't know if it was because I vented so much the night before that I felt a sense of release and that an emotional lump of baggage was taken off of my shoulders. Lillie and I had a great day, we actually enjoyed each others company. Yes she tried her usual drama tactics but I somehow distracted her each time and they didn't boil over into an all out screaming match. For the first time in weeks I enjoyed being around my little girl and we had fun. Now it hurts me to say that but it is the God's honest truth and why lie about it when telling the truth and being open and expressing ones feelings (even if the listener stares at me like a plank of dead wood) feels so enlightening. There is also some more light at the end of the tunnel of the terrible 2's. Judd's kindergarten will accept Lillie as a student when she turns 2 in August. So for 3 half days a week she will attend kinder with Judd and learn to play and interact more with kids her own age and also start her learning which I think is a great idea. Judd is bounding ahead at school and he really enjoys learning new things and he even enjoys doing his homework. Lillie still seems so small to be attending school but I look at it more like I would if I was to send her to childcare back in Melbourne for a day or two, it is exactly the same but she just has a uniform and school bag.
I am fully aware of my downfalls as a parent and for this I am grateful so I know what I have to work on, I just wish I had someone who I could talk to about it. Maybe if I put it in Rugby terminology he might listen, maybe.
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