I have had a tough couple of weeks of late. It all goes back to my constant annoyance at the loud, mind numbing music that comes from the neighbouring stores across from our village. One long boring hot day last week it all came to a head when after 4 hours of listening to the same beat I was at my wits end. All I wanted to was have a nice relaxing day after a busy and hot weekend and nothing I could do could distract me from the ever persistent beat. By the time Marcus returned home I was in tears and he being a typical male couldn't understand why I was so worked up about something that even he could barely hear. But after I calmed down enough to speak I had to explain that after nearly 2 years of being alone nearly everyday (having my children with me doesn't count, when I say alone I mean without other adult interaction). Being alone everyday I have become to fixate on all the small things that bother me about living in a Asian country so far from home and family. Every time I heard the music start I would begin having what I now know to be anxiety attacks, I thought it was just me being pissed off but once I sat and talked about it with a few friends and especially a good old friend back in Melbourne I came to realise I was indeed having anxiety attacks, my heart rate would go up, I would get hot and sweaty and start to pace and could never sit still, always trying to find somewhere quiet away from the noise. She also explained to me what she learned about "thought stacking" where once I had one negative thought others would pile on top and before I knew it I was feeling low and depressed again.
I even came extremely close to packing myself and the 2 kids up and boarding a plane back to Australia, I had this uncontrollable urge to flee, to escape but the only things that stopped me was my husband and the fact that I couldn't just take his children away from him leaving him here all alone, especially with our third baby due in only 7 weeks and of course our dog, I cannot leave without either arranging for her to leave too or finding her a new family. The pressure of these responsibilities plus others like money, where would we live?, a car and giving birth alone and caring for 3 kids for 4 months until my husband could join us overwhelmed me and again the thought stacking and anxiety would take over.
One thing that has helped me force my way out of the hole I was in and begin to work on this problem was something Marcus said to me the very next morning after my breakdown....he said "you can't leave, then I will go crazy without you". It touched me in a way that I never realised. He needs us just as much as we need him and I knew from that moment that I had to work hard and get through these next 4 months until we are all on that plane together biding farewell to Pattaya and heading home to reality.
I haven't even been able to focus on our baby that is due so very soon, the only thing I can think about is our departure date and going home, the fact that in 7 weeks I will be giving birth is minor in my outlook of our immediate future and it saddens me. If we were stable and living back home I would be painting a nursery, setting up toys and baby furniture and filling drawers with dozens of cute little baby clothes. I feel like I am missing out on a essential part of being pregnant but in reality I cannot go out and buy furniture or too many toys or clothes as we will packing everything up and leaving with 8 weeks of the little guy being born so it is not practical to go to any great lengths. But how I wish I could and I guess in the long term I can set up a nice new nursery for him as soon as we get home to Melbourne and settle into a new house.
I have had other feelings too about our leaving, like all the places and sites we haven't seen of Thailand, I wish we had of been able to travel up north to see more of the country and not so much of the big cities. For me there is no attraction to the cities in Thailand, they are all the same, over crowded, smelly and hot. Not the beautiful pictures you see in tourist magazines or on travel shows of green rolling hills and rice paddies or beautiful aqua blue oceans with white sandy beaches. These places only exist far away from the big cities and even farther away from the coast on little islands. Even Phuket that all our friends rave about is just a smaller sized Pattaya, the beaches are still dirty and the streets smelly. So maybe in many many years Marcus and I will come back to Thailand to holiday and truly do the "tourist" thing and visit all those tiny off the beaten track places and maybe I will see Thailand the way so many other people have, as green, lush, beautiful and peaceful, maybe.
I wonder what my thoughts will be when we are finally walking through Melbourne airport and back on Aussie soil? Will I be nostalgic about our time spent here or will I be grateful it's over and we are home? Other expats tell me to stop whinging and enjoy whats left of our time here and don't get me wrong I plan to try, as best I can with a new born and 2 small kids. They say we will wish we had of stayed once we are back in Australia where everything costs more and people are rude etc etc. But at the moment I don't believe a word, yes I hope to look back and remember all the fun trips, the crazy sites and experiences we have had and most of all I know we will miss all the dear friends we have made here but for me there is only so long a person can stay out of touch with "our world" Thailand is not my world, I have no connection here, no roots. I am grateful for the opportunity we received but I am not a long term expatriate. Some people I have met love it, love the life, the money, the weather, the people and everything about it and I am happy for them but at the end of the day we are all different and I know who I am and what I want from my life and it involves being home with my family and dearly missed friends in a country that I am so very very proud to call my home.
